The Best Part of Me Was Always You
by Rasiaa
Summary: May is never easy, and for twelve years the month has been the bane of her existence. A nighttime visitor attempts to change that.


_For Cheeky Slytherin Lass (Amber, yes? I can't remember names well but I think that's right.)_

_monthly exchange: Parvati/Lavender, angst, __(dialogue) "I never meant to hurt you."/"Your meaning is irrelevant."_

_packets of prompts: Hogwarts Express_

_rock em sock em: Breakeven by the Script, alohomora, and chilly_

_and, you know, I drew prompts from the weekly word count game challenge, but then reread the rules and realized word count could only be within 25 words. Mine for this week was 800 and this is just over 1k. I don't think it counts based on that but the prompts were: (__dialogue) "How does it feel to lose the best thing that's ever happened to you?" and blanket. I'll use different ones for the fic that'll work for this challenge._

* * *

May was the hardest month of the year. April was the build, and on the first day of May the dam broke and everything crumbled to dust.

It had been twelve years, and she felt no better.

The room was chilly and mostly dark with the setting sun. Parvati couldn't bring herself to stand and light a candle. Her wand was on the coffee table and even though it was only a few inches away it seemed a mile. She could hear the radio but couldn't make out the words.

She pulled her blanket a little closer to her neck to block the chill from the open window.

"...and now, from Dublin, Ireland... it's really fantastic, you'll love this... pain of it is raw and real and that's not something you see these days..."

...

She knew the sound of the train well.

She had ridden it several times a year for seven years, starting when she was just eleven years old.

Of course, she had never been alone.

Parvati knew this was a dream as soon as she made that connection. Nevertheless, the Hogwarts Express was in vivid detail, every corner sharp and she could make out the streaks on the windows from the sunlight. Standing from the seat in her compartment, she reached for the door handle.

Locked.

These doors had never been lockable to her knowledge, but she took out her wand anyway. "_Alohomora_," she murmured, no heat or power behind it. She heard a soft click and then the door slid open of its own volition. She heard footsteps.

It wasn't like she had anything to lose, so she set off in that direction. The train rocked slightly under her feet with its movement along the tracks. She hadn't realized it was moving, but it only took a second to reorient herself. She moved from one train car to the next without issue.

The back of the train was poorly lit. Parvati pulled on this door slowly, wary, but she wasn't attacked and soft light began to chase away the dark.

Tears sprung to her eyes and she stepped into the car, wariness forgotten.

Lavender was as beautiful as she remembered.

Soft curls rested on her shoulders, covered by the deep purple shawl Parvati had bought her for her birthday one year. She wore a gray blouse and jeans, feet bare and it was like she had stepped from Parvati's memories into the real world before her. A crystal ball rested on its stand on the table in front of Lavender, and the other woman was moving the smoke inside it with slow rotations of her wrist.

"Parvati," she greeted, voice warm and relieved. "I wasn't sure you would come."

"Oh, darling," Parvati breathed, crossing the space between them in a second. "Why wouldn't I?"

Lavender stood to meet her. "You never have before."

The statement seemed out of place. Parvati tilted her head to the side as she linked their fingers together. "You've never called?"

Lavender's face fell. "I've been calling for years."

Parvati furrowed her eyebrows but Lavender waved it off. "Never mind. You're here now; that's what matters." Lavender took a deep breath. "I wanted to apologize."

"Wh-?"

Parvati didn't get to finish the question, silenced by Lavender's index finger resting on her lips. "Hush, now. I - I need to say it." Lavender's eyes lost focus as she thought, and then their eyes met again. "I've watched you, all these years, and I've seen you suffer."

Ice fell over Parvati in waves, and familiar grief welled in her chest.

"I just... I wanted to tell you to move on, Parvati. It's been a long time and I'm so, so sorry you've been so sad but you can't keep living like this."

She could remember the last fight they'd had, just before Lavender died.

Their breakup was messy and the words she'd shouted at Lavender have haunted her for every passing minute since. Her regrets have kept her from moving on. Lavender was the best thing to ever happen to her. Parvati had wanted her forever.

But Lavender saw her classmates in danger and she wouldn't stand down.

_"How does it feel to lose the best thing that's ever happened to you?"_

Hell. Parvati had thought, in her fury, that Lavender would live to regret it. But it's Parvati who has lived with it. She has thought of it over and over and over. Parvati had screamed those hateful words to her girlfriend and Lavender stormed out. The next time Parvati saw her, she stared at her mangled, broken body, still and cold in death.

Lavender reached up and cupped her face. "I know you didn't mean it, darling," she reassured. Parvati took in a deep breath and Lavender cast her eyes down. "But I should never have left you alone."

"I never wanted to hurt you," Parvati managed, desperate for Lavender's forgiveness. Her love.

"Your meaning is irrelevant," Lavender replied, but the words weren't cruel. They were a reminder. "It's over now, and it's time to let go."

Let go.

What a foreign concept.

Her grief had been a part of her life for over a decade. To let it go seemed like an impossible task.

Lavender got her attention again. She pointed to the crystal ball, and Parvati peered into it. She recognized the young librarian, only two years her junior, in the smoke. The woman tucked her hair behind her ear and glanced up at something beside her. She smiled.

"She has wanted you for a long time now," Lavender said quietly. "Maybe you should try."

The thought of dating again made her wounds bleed anew. "I can't." The words ripped from her throat without her consent, and she pulled her hands to her chest, staring at the crystal ball. "Merlin, I can't."

"You can. I give you permission. I forgive you. I love you, and I always will."

Parvati turned and Lavender smiled slightly. She surged forward and grabbed Lavender's face, pulling her in for a kiss.

...

"When a heart breaks, it don't breakeven..."

The words managed to break her reverie. Groaning lowly, she sat up and looked around her living room. The voice on the radio continued to sing, and the sun hadn't moved much.

It really was just a dream.

But somehow, she felt something like hope for the first time in a long time.


End file.
